Wait because in His time, so shall this night Soon end in joy

Sometimes I wonder why I am here...I wonder why I even moved here.
Most of the time I feel like I know I heard God's voice so clearly and other times I feel like I just wanted this so badly that maybe it was my voice. Deep down I know it was God and it still is. There was such a peace...such a confidence in this choice. That was how I knew it was God. I think Satan knows what my weaknesses are. He knows that I stress out easily and he knows that I doubt my decisions. And I feel as if this week he is attacking me with that. Not to say that I don't have any responsibility for my thoughts and feelings, but I think he is using them.

Right now any thought of the future freaks me out. I usually end up in tears. Where will I go in 2 and a half weeks?I have no place to live. I have no church community in Hartford. What am I going to do in the holiday season when everyone is with their family? There is so much to do and not enough time to do it. One day it will be winter...and I'm not prepared. Everyone has somebody (boyfriends, best friends, siblings, parents)

I had my orientation for my new job that starts in August today. On the drive home I couldn't help but cry. I am going to be a full time assistant with infants. My dream job? I thought so. But where does that leave me as far as ministry in the city? Most of my time will be spent at work just like it was in San Diego. I mean I hope and pray that I can make my work place another mission field also.

I don't want the rest of this update to be a downer. I just write all of this because I do better writing than I do expressing my feelings, thoughts and desires in speaking them.

So on a more positive note....

God is continuing to work here. Camp has been crazy this week but there are still those little moments that the kids get what we are learning. It is so evident that God is working in them. That they excitedly answer : "I do believe. I want to follow God! " Or kids who were so difficult at the start of summer are now gentle and obedient children. Even one of our street leaders who we weren't so sure was following Jesus volunteering to pray for our day and asked steve many questions after he gave salvation message to the children.


Thank you for those who continue to read this and pray. I shared earlier areas that I am having trouble with...so you can just pray for those things

I miss you san diego friends.

"Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you." psalm 63:3

The storm is wild enough for sailing

I never really know how to start off these updates.

We have been really busy these past few weeks.

Last weekend we went to New Hampshire on our intern retreat. We spent the weekend at a lake house. So great! The weekend was much needed and a huge growing experience for all of us. We did this thing called straight talk. Straight Talk is an exercise where we tell each other areas of strengths we see in each other. Another part of Straight Talk is a expressing areas of weakness we see in each other. That was a really good thing but very emotional. I think we all cried haha.
Basically I need to work on speaking up about how I feel or opinions I have. I'm not pliable just quiet.

Camp is going pretty good. We have a new location because the church we are meeting at needs their building free for their kids programs. There have been some really heavy days as far as problems with the kids. It's hard to watch them get angry. It's hard see them use violence as a first response. But it is so rewarding to see them helping one another! To see them learning is awesome! Today Leishla told me that she was scared last night but then was okay when she realized Jesus was with her. She is 7. Her faith moves me sometimes.

There have been some days where I have felt like I made the wrong choice by moving out here! There have been days where I have felt so alone and scared about this new time. To say the least...It's been a rough week.

Today is a new day and I am feeling pretty good. Exhausted but good. We have bible study tonight and that is my favorite part of the week!

Please be praying for the kids at camp. We are in the process of teaching them about the death and resurrection of Jesus.
Please also be praying for my fundraising. There are 3 weeks left and I need about 300 more dollars to reach my goal.
Pray for guidance and discernment in finding a place to live. We have 3 weeks.
Pray for God to fill me with his peace in times of uncertainty and fear.

I know this is kinda jumbled...but so am I right now:)

I will leave you with two things that have been on my heart.

Psalm 16:11
You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

Joshua 1:9
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous.Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.

I feel your hands around my heart

It's been another week since I last updated this.

I feel like I can't even really explain everything that happened in the past week. To go into detail would be difficult because it is a blur. To be honest, last week was hard. Maybe one of the hardest weeks at camp we have had so far.
By Thursday all of us were ready for the weekend. I personally felt defeated and my heart was just really heavy.

I thank God for the little things. The other day this little boy named Micah was really upset. He was sitting on the steps with his head down. Jaheim, one of the other boys in my group, just started to tickle him. Micah couldn't help but to burst out in laughter. Those moments make my day. And being the emotional fountain I am, those moments also bring tears to my eyes.

We went to Rhode Island this weekend. It could not have come at a better time. Sometimes it's good to get out of the city. Hartford is draining sometimes...but I love it. We spent most of Friday sightseeing. Saturday we spent a good portion of the day at the beach. It was really nice to be in the sun and be with people. Later we went to a barbeque for a family at Steve's church. It was really cool but kinda hard to be at. It was pretty overwhelming because there were probalby almost 100 people there. We saw fireworks later at a dock in Steve's town. The next morning we went to church. I wish that church was in Hartford haha. This church comes closest so far to what I am looking for. We went out to lunch with some of Steve's friends. I had a really cool conversation with this young married couple. We talked a lot about churches and ministry and what that looks like in our lives. We stayed for their evening service that is focused more towards young adults. It was great. Such a sweet time of worship through the entire service. From the music to the sermon to the announcements God was glorified.

Yesterday we came back to reality. It went okay.
Today on the other hand...not so great. (for me anyway) It was halfway through camp and I was in tears. I can't really explain what happend well enough for it to make sense.

I don't want whoever reads this to think that things are not going well. It's just been a hard few days. It will get better. I believe that God is working in this city. Through these struggles I am learning and I am growing. My love for God and my love for others is increasing. I was very blessed last night to get a phone call from Kate. We talked for about an hour just about things going on in our lives and how God is working in us.

I am so thankful to be here. I am thankful for the community I live in. I am thankful that I have friends here who love me and hold me accountable to things. I am thankful to have the support of friends back home. I am thankful that I get to see the smiling faces of children each day!

I will say that one thing God is showing me is trust. It's humbling when you think that you are fully trusting God with everything in life but then something is revealed that has not been given up to God. I feel like God has also made my heart more sensitive to the needs of others. That my compassion for my coworkers, peers, friends and family is expanding.

For all who read this and who support me, I thank you!

I do have some prayer requests though...
Pray for the relationships between interns and our high school street leaders. There is some obvious tension between us. It's hard. I almost feel like I have a different point of view from some of the others. This has been approached with much negativity and I don't think it's helping the situation. My focus is to form a relationship with them. My focus is to love them and help them in any way possible
Pray for our location. We just got word that the church we are using for our program can no longer have us there. We need a place to meet after this week.
Pray that I may continue to keep Jesus at the center. That I may be continually reminded that I am here not for me but for Jesus!